Lover Of Wry Humor Gifts

I eat to forget. What was your name again?

"Daisy, that fall broke my leg pretty badly. You need to go get help, girl - oh, what a big stretch! Who’s a good stretcher? Daisy’s a good stretcher! What a good girl…"

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

Mom's Diner: I do and do and do for you and what thanks do I get? How about your business? Is that too much to ask?

"Excuse me, officer, but I believe I'm entitled to one mating call..."

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

'You had me at hell.'

Florist delivers Cactus to Man on Bed of Nails

"Frankly I'm a bit confused. According to the genetic printout this gentleman is, in fact, a goat

'And remember, lady, down here the toilet seat stays up!'

'We dicovered that this cures hypochondria without administering it.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"Several groups have claimed responsibility."

'There are no skeletons in the closets but you might have a bit of trouble with those in the back yard.'

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

Golfer in a tree.

Home Business - Wife.

'Pavlov's first experiment'

'You could have just TOLD me we were out of cups!'

"The Pain may be due to your Yin and Yang being out of alignment, but humour me and lets see if your broken let is part of the problem."

"Look, I'm bored, you're bored – why don't you let me go down there and shake things up a bit?"

Salmon swimming up-stream, "Don't you get tired of overcoming obstacles"

Dentist preparing woodwork drill for dentistry.

'I'm switching to another provider,dear.'

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

"I don't know about turning, but I was tossing all night."

'You look lovely today.'

'He was run over by our home. We live in a mobile home park.'

"It's nice, but I fell in love with a caterpillar."

"The procedure took twelve and a half hours, during which time our team of doctors was able to put Mr. Dumpty together again."

"You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unfortunately, it's a grizzly bear!"

"The book ends are for people who like to read between the lions."

I started writing crossword puzzles when I realized it was the only chance I'd ever have of finishing one.

"No offense..."