Lover Of Witty Humor Gifts

Society for Asking Stupid Questions

"Phil!"

I started writing crossword puzzles when I realized it was the only chance I'd ever have of finishing one.

An elderly gentleman inspecting a sign on a gentleman's back

Dog says to cat: 'I know it's silly but it's true: dogs think all cats are a bit gay.'

'You look lovely today.'

'It's quite nice once your out.'

'So that's why she took the bricklaying class...'

'...and if you'd like to feel you're doing something really daring, I'll tell you how old I am.'

"OMG! Talk about fifty shades of grey!"

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

"Mr. Jackson, the first rule of being a good salesman is 'never eat your customers before they sign the contract'."

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

'I've got no problem with December, but what do I blog about the rest of the year?'

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

"I love this time of year."

'Whoops. There goes one of my prostheses.'

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

" ... and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that."

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

"Sir? - it's clowntime."

Clown's knee reflex sends doctor through ceiling

"…And what do you think the cracker might represent?"

"Excuse me, officer, but I believe I'm entitled to one mating call..."

Road signs of Aging

Wanted: dishwasher or handsome rich guy.

"I'm suffering from TeaParytyitis."

'How can you stand to listen to dozens of crazy people and stay sane?' - 'Who listens?.'

Florist delivers Cactus to Man on Bed of Nails

My army drill instructors license plate is HUP-2-3-4.

Spiv

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

'You had me at hell.'

"You're not in the gym Gary!"