Ironic Humor Fan Gifts

"Don't talk to me about suffering - in my spare time, I'm a writer."

How often do you answer random questions?

'If you want produce grown on the farm down the road you'll have to go to Kuala Lumpur.'

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

Animal Book Club

Thanksgiving Dinners: (Turkey/Ham/Corned Beef/Children Under 5) 'They're eating their own now!'

"O.K., her mouth is full—run over and ask her if everything is O.K.!"

'Have you got any of that white stuff?'

'Okay...everything looks good on your contact information... oh wait! We need your email address...'

"Hi! It's me...I've gone off the rails"

"I don't care what they say, plastic's been good to me."

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

Winter Weather.

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

'And you say you died a virgin! That's a sin!'

TV message reads 'Please stand by. We are experiencing technical difficulties.' as a TV satellite plummets to earth outside.

'Why do they have to be ivory knitting needles?'

"I never knew I was dyslexic before I came here."

"I much prefer the snow!"

'Oh no, the chickens have killed another fox.'

Lost in the desert.

"Could I have some privacy? It's my boyfriend."

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

Noblesse Oblige Explained

"Next song's called Dirt-poor Boxcar Man which I wrote partly in the VIP lounge at JFK in my private limo on the way here tonight."

'You MUST come! We're inviting all our paranoid friends!'

'He's a very good player. It takes real skill to lose to a boss who plays as badly as his does.'

Redundant horse searches for the definition of 'giddy up' online.

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

Don't worry Sir, being colour-blind is not much of a problem around here...

'Yes, I suppose it's worth a try - after all we have nothing to lose.'

'We get the occasional spider but no ants'.

Man with metal detector finds metal on beach, but it's a buried metal detector and its owner is also dead and buried.

Enemies of Bill W. Pub

"I have the results of your PET scan and your CT scan. You are not claustrophobic."