Ironic Humor Enjoyer Gifts

'It appears we're part of a celebrity subculture: unknowns.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Look! No hands!"

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

Emergency Phone.

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

Trappist Monk Discord

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

I thought you said Megson couldn't be bought.

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”