Ironical Humor Enthusiast Gifts

"Gimme everything in the register and a Quick Pick."

'It takes all day to eat it.'

'Sorry, old chap.'

'This is him, on the hands free.'

Help! Told them to 'take this job and shove it' - but instead, they shipped it overseas.

'If you want to grow up big and strong, you have to eat your vegetarians.'

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"Look! No hands!"

Trappist Monk Discord

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

Jack London

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

'What does it say, Dad?'

Winter Weather.

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

"The next song was sixties anthem for the youth subculture of revolution, anarchy and anti-establishment...and can now be heard in elevators worldwide."

HELLth Food Sprouts

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"You are still here."

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

The Hammer

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

Public footpath on a desert island.

"Would you like to see the markup?"

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."