Witty Worshiper Pillows

Drive-thru Church

"Bill me!"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Vishnu playing twin neck guitar.

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

Church: Open Sundays

'I like it. It's bigger than life.'

'You know, they call me 'Stinkin' rich' because I even have an employee who takes a shower for me every morning!'

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'Money DOES make me happy.'

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

Church Parking

"Finished feeding the 5000. What do you want to do with the left over fish?"

'In life I was scorned for worshipping the Almighty Dollar.'

'I know you haven't seen me.. your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!'

Sermon about 20 minutes

'I do wish you would stop asking for change back when they pass the plate.'

"My advice, don't marry for money. You can borrow it for 3.5%."

'As a professional discount, I require you to say only two hail Marys.'

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

"Fantastic service, lousy food."

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

'Pastor, 'confirmed' means we only have to attend church on Christmas and Easter, right?'

"The minister is known to do a mic drop after a particularly good sermon."

'I believe the saying is 'trust but verify,' not 'trust, but what would mother do'.'

'It would make me feel insignificant if I didn't make so much money.'

Never try to solve an economic problem with a political answer.

24/7 th Heaven