Witty Worship Leader Pillows

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Drive-thru Church

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Vicar wearing sunglasses.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"He's dumbing down the sermons again."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Applause

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

Excommunicate Me.

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

Pastoring for Dummies

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

Minister's File

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."

'I understand there have been complaints that his sermons weren't getting through to the teenagers.'

A virtue of vicars

After finishing his 5 minute guitar riff, John realized the silence was due to his filling in on the traditional service worship team that particular Sunday morning.

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'

Church: 'We reserve the right to refuse salvation to anyone.'

"...and Lord, we thank You for blessing Farmer Finkel with an abundant bean harvest...and thus our new pews."

"Please rise."