Lighthearted Worshipper Pillows

Community Church. . . Back Rubs

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Vishnu playing twin neck guitar.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

Drive-thru Church

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'What are you giving up for Lent this year?' - 'Anchovies.' - 'I thought you hated anchovies?' - 'I do. Care for a cookie instead?' - 'Lent is supposed to be about challenge and sacrifice!' - 'Play to win, Baby!'

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

Minister's File

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

A virtue of vicars

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

Church: 'We reserve the right to refuse salvation to anyone.'

"Is your church up for the 'Best Media Coverage' award?"

'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'