Light-hearted Worshipper Pillows

'Pastor, 'confirmed' means we only have to attend church on Christmas and Easter, right?'

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

Sunbathing in Autumn

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Vishnu playing twin neck guitar.

Drive-thru Church

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

'What are you giving up for Lent this year?' - 'Anchovies.' - 'I thought you hated anchovies?' - 'I do. Care for a cookie instead?' - 'Lent is supposed to be about challenge and sacrifice!' - 'Play to win, Baby!'

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

Preachers with far too much input

Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Church Parking Space Reserved For Sinner Of The Week

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

"He's so happy it's finally sunny and warm, he's been standing out here like that for hours."

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'What did you say? 'The light is nothing but an ordinary streetlamp'? Oh no! My own son is an atheist??!'

"Finished feeding the 5000. What do you want to do with the left over fish?"

Church Parking

"Your prayers may be recorded for quality and training purposes and will be answered by the next available deity."

'... and do you, Linda, promise to look up the word 'fellatio' in the dictionary?'

'I know you haven't seen me.. your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!'

"If God wanted me to go to church he wouldn't have put football on Sundays."

"Fantastic service, lousy food."

'As a professional discount, I require you to say only two hail Marys.'

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

Sermon about 20 minutes

'When I get the clumsies, switch me to a sippy-cup.'