Light-hearted Worshipper Gifts

'Pastor, 'confirmed' means we only have to attend church on Christmas and Easter, right?'

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

Sunbathing in Autumn

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Vishnu playing twin neck guitar.

Drive-thru Church

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'

'What are you giving up for Lent this year?' - 'Anchovies.' - 'I thought you hated anchovies?' - 'I do. Care for a cookie instead?' - 'Lent is supposed to be about challenge and sacrifice!' - 'Play to win, Baby!'

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

Church Parking Space Reserved For Sinner Of The Week

Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Preachers with far too much input

'Remember you are dust bunny and to dust bunny you shall return.'

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

"He's so happy it's finally sunny and warm, he's been standing out here like that for hours."

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'What did you say? 'The light is nothing but an ordinary streetlamp'? Oh no! My own son is an atheist??!'

'No, we can never actually see the big cartoonist, but he's everywhere.'

"I didn't say, 'Simon says'..."

Church Parking

"Your prayers may be recorded for quality and training purposes and will be answered by the next available deity."

"Finished feeding the 5000. What do you want to do with the left over fish?"

'... and do you, Linda, promise to look up the word 'fellatio' in the dictionary?'

'I know you haven't seen me.. your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!'

"If God wanted me to go to church he wouldn't have put football on Sundays."

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

'As a professional discount, I require you to say only two hail Marys.'

"Fantastic service, lousy food."

Sermon about 20 minutes

"John, how are you gonna Baptize me when you throw like a girl?"