Witty Worshiper Gifts

Drive-thru Church

"Bill me!"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Vishnu playing twin neck guitar.

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

'You know, they call me 'Stinkin' rich' because I even have an employee who takes a shower for me every morning!'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'I like it. It's bigger than life.'

Church: Open Sundays

'Remember you are dust bunny and to dust bunny you shall return.'

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'Money DOES make me happy.'

'No, we can never actually see the big cartoonist, but he's everywhere.'

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

'In life I was scorned for worshipping the Almighty Dollar.'

"Finished feeding the 5000. What do you want to do with the left over fish?"

Church Parking

'I know you haven't seen me.. your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!'

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

Sermon about 20 minutes

"Fantastic service, lousy food."

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

'As a professional discount, I require you to say only two hail Marys.'

"My advice, don't marry for money. You can borrow it for 3.5%."

'I do wish you would stop asking for change back when they pass the plate.'

'Pastor, 'confirmed' means we only have to attend church on Christmas and Easter, right?'

"The minister is known to do a mic drop after a particularly good sermon."

'I believe the saying is 'trust but verify,' not 'trust, but what would mother do'.'

'It would make me feel insignificant if I didn't make so much money.'

Pithy Helmet