Witty Worshipper Gifts

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'I know you haven't seen me.. your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!'

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

Sermon about 20 minutes

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Church Parking

"Fantastic service, lousy food."

"Tell them it's your first time here and you'll get a great swag bag."

Drive-thru Church

Vishnu playing twin neck guitar.

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

'I like it. It's bigger than life.'

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

Church: Open Sundays

'You know, they call me 'Stinkin' rich' because I even have an employee who takes a shower for me every morning!'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Fitness in church.

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'Money DOES make me happy.'

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

'In life I was scorned for worshipping the Almighty Dollar.'

"Finished feeding the 5000. What do you want to do with the left over fish?"

"If God wanted me to go to church he wouldn't have put football on Sundays."

Yonder: Roll Call Every 15 Min.

'As a professional discount, I require you to say only two hail Marys.'

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

'I do wish you would stop asking for change back when they pass the plate.'

"My advice, don't marry for money. You can borrow it for 3.5%."

'Pastor, 'confirmed' means we only have to attend church on Christmas and Easter, right?'

'I believe the saying is 'trust but verify,' not 'trust, but what would mother do'.'

"ButI thought he was just praying without ceasing."