Quirky Worshipper Gifts

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Vishnu playing twin neck guitar.

Marilyn's Rushmore

Drive-thru Church

'As part of our alternative budget management strategy we've got Tim on 'Hail Marys' in here and Geoff sacrificing a goat to Woden next door!'

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

'It's a statue of St. Francis of Assisi. I had it specially made for my hospital.'

"We're testing a new virtual reality praise & worship system for the satellite campus."

Jennifer Aniston

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'Remember you are dust bunny and to dust bunny you shall return.'

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

Church Sign Asks If You Are Prepared for Digital Conversion.

'No, we can never actually see the big cartoonist, but he's everywhere.'

Church Parking

"Finished feeding the 5000. What do you want to do with the left over fish?"

'Confessing your sins in a folk ballad was an interesting idea, Larry, but I'm afraid your singing has forced me to add one more sin to your list!'

"If God wanted me to go to church he wouldn't have put football on Sundays."

'I know you haven't seen me.. your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!'

"It's OK, darling - Granny's crying happy tears."

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

The Church of DanaeDanaeism: 'Thou shalt make room for donuts...it's a new commandment for the Church of Danae.'

'As a professional discount, I require you to say only two hail Marys.'

Sermon about 20 minutes

"Fantastic service, lousy food."

Collection plate at church with signs of the credit cards the church will take.

'Pastor, 'confirmed' means we only have to attend church on Christmas and Easter, right?'

Watermelon Cult

'The invitation says casual but of course you don't do casual do you.'

"Geoffrey's joined a Lack of Personality cult."

I stick with the celebrity instructors. If I heard of them, I sign up with them.