Quirky Churchgoer Gifts

'Confessing your sins in a folk ballad was an interesting idea, Larry, but I'm afraid your singing has forced me to add one more sin to your list!'

The Church of DanaeDanaeism: 'Thou shalt make room for donuts...it's a new commandment for the Church of Danae.'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

United Church of OMG

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Out for lunch... GOD

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Speaking words of wisdom, letter B

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"