Church Goer Giggler Gifts

"Thank you, but I don't feel it's necessary for you to play 'Charge' when I invite people to the altar."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

United Church of OMG

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

Speaking words of wisdom, letter B

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

Out for lunch... GOD