Church-goer Giggle Gifts

'I suppose this must mean god prefers cricket.'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Verger Works

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

United Church of OMG

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"It's a cup holder."

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"