Churchgoer Chucklers Gifts

'You find me a leper, and I'll show you how good a samaritan I can be!'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Where 'Pastor'-ized Milk Comes From...

"Freshly ground pepper?"

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

'That ISN'T the way to keep the Mass to an hour.'

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Sermon - why our religion is really better than yours.

'Golly, is it that time already?'

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon."

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Speaking words of wisdom, letter B

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

'Look, Brother Timothy - a sign from God!'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

Minister's File