Churchgoer Chuckles Gifts

"I do give until it hurts, I just have a low pain tolerance."

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

don't you think it might be significant that you only hear the ringing in your ears when you're at church?

"The collection plate was misplaced, so Pastor Olsen said to use his fishing net until I find it."

"No thanks-I'd sooner snog the steeple!"

'Forgive me, father. I have cold-called 6,482 times for a major stock brokerage since my last confession.'

'We haven't located your curate,sir - have you tried the missing parsons' bureau?'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'That ISN'T the way to keep the Mass to an hour.'

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Speaking words of wisdom, letter B

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

A virtue of vicars

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

Minister's File

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"