Churchgoer Chuckles Gifts

"I do give until it hurts, I just have a low pain tolerance."

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

don't you think it might be significant that you only hear the ringing in your ears when you're at church?

"The collection plate was misplaced, so Pastor Olsen said to use his fishing net until I find it."

"No thanks-I'd sooner snog the steeple!"

'Forgive me, father. I have cold-called 6,482 times for a major stock brokerage since my last confession.'

'We haven't located your curate,sir - have you tried the missing parsons' bureau?'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

'That ISN'T the way to keep the Mass to an hour.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

Priests Play Good Priest, Bad Priest

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."

A virtue of vicars

'I always thought that church mouse thing was just a figure of speech.'

Minister's File

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

"Faith cannot be bought. We do, however, offer an attractive leasing option."

Dang, another calling. This time, Avon.

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'