Churchgoer Giggler Gifts

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

Dang, another calling. This time, Avon.

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

'It's not a slip and it's supposed to be showing.'

'You're not one of those OIL ministers, are you?'

Confessional bathroom

"Sorry Judas, we only came up with 29 pieces of silver."

Speaking words of wisdom, letter B

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

United Church of OMG

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

Out for lunch... GOD

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."