Churchgoer Giggles Gifts

REPENT, 'Hey! -- Go find your own corner!'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

United Church of OMG

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

Out for lunch... GOD

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."