Comical Churchgoer Gifts

The offering increased substantially after being live streamed on the jumbotron.

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

United Church of OMG

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

Out for lunch... GOD

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

Speaking words of wisdom, letter B

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

'How come I never see you in church?'

At Michawl Phelps' baptism.