Comical Churchgoer Gifts

The offering increased substantially after being live streamed on the jumbotron.

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

United Church of OMG

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

Out for lunch... GOD

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

'How come I never see you in church?'