Comedy Churchgoer Gifts

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

'Holy-Kanoly' makes his infamous 'Leap-of-Faith' jump.

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Priest

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Verger Works

'Let us pray...'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"Amen. Please help me up."

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

Baptism Then and Now

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"I have an app for that."