Comedy Churchgoer Gifts

"I want you to leave here today with a message of joy!..."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

'Holy-Kanoly' makes his infamous 'Leap-of-Faith' jump.

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Priest

"Freshly ground pepper?"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

'Let us pray...'

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Verger Works

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

CCTV in church.

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

"Amen. Please help me up."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'