Churchgoer Wit Gifts

"I see the new minister's trying to be socially inclusive."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'Let us pray...'

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Verger Works

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

CCTV in church.

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"Amen. Please help me up."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'