Humor-loving Churchgoer Gifts

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

'Holy-Kanoly' makes his infamous 'Leap-of-Faith' jump.

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

'Funny in my day they all looked like WInston Churchill.'

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

Finger puppets in church.

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'That ISN'T the way to keep the Mass to an hour.'

Church restrooms

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

Minister Starts at a New Church

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

Eucharist

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...

Church Parking Space Reserved For Sinner Of The Week

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"