Wit Worshipper Pillows

Pithy Helmet

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Drive-thru Church

'I don't like to brag, but I'm the guy who coined the phrase, 'Honey, I'm Home'.'

Graph to find your IQ

Punch Drunk

Airport

Stephen Fry.

Your resume is only 8 words long! You're hired!

"Sure. I know of a haystack on the edge of town where you'll be safe until the heat dies down."

Oscar Wilde

"Restless spirit, we don't know who or what you are, but thank you for your amazing Wi-Fi, and for keeping the signal strong."

'You know, they call me 'Stinkin' rich' because I even have an employee who takes a shower for me every morning!'

"You make a great point."

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

'I like it. It's bigger than life.'

'Remember you are dust bunny and to dust bunny you shall return.'

Fitness in church.

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

"You think you're pretty holy, huh!"

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."

"Stimulating this area of the brain will enable the patient to think of all the clever things he wished he had said."

'I'm still trying to build up a following here, but I'm huge in Lilliput.'

Boarding House

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

Broad Minded

"Does my brain look big in this?"

Witty Remarks You Can Never Remember To Say During The Meeting.

Frank and Ernest's Cerebral Questions. Today's question is would an "elbowhead" be smarter or dumber than a "knucklehead"? (Published originally on October 12, 2015.)

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."