Witty Philosophers Gifts

'My dad always told me, 'love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe'.'

Could you stand seeing a replay of your whole day?

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"His face may be in the gutter, but his bum's looking up at the stars."

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

You're Out Of Order

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

Mom's Mortuary

'I had multiple personalities.'

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

'I see you've been chasing parked cars again. Wanna talk about it?'

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

'Well, that answers that age-old question. According to the tape, the chicken came first. . . which brings up another age-old question: is the last one a rotten egg?'

Pearls Before Swine is not a terribly savvy name

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"Oh, I don't mind being called 'Reaper', it's the 'Grim' part that gets me...my name is actually Darryl and I'm a pretty happy guy!"

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

'No dear, I do not think it's time we homo sapiens apologised to the Neanderthals.'