Quippy Philosopher Gifts

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

Reverse psychology

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"Apparently, when the tide came in, a lot of castles went bust."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Beyond the known and the unknown.

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

'Let the record show that I suggested primordial souffl'ee.'

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

'My dentist recommended it.'

Toys from the Pre School of Hard Knocks - Stumbling Blocks.

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'There goes another one. Galileo, don't you have any idea what makes them do that?'

'How did he make the world in six days?'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

The Meaning of Life

'Since you're a teacher, we picked this one from the Tree of Knowledge.'

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"I guess when you run out of Tooth Fairy teeth, you gotta go get a job!"