Quippy Philosopher Gifts

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

Pigeon Little

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Reverse psychology

"Apparently, when the tide came in, a lot of castles went bust."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Beyond the known and the unknown.

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

'Let the record show that I suggested primordial souffl'ee.'

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

'My dentist recommended it.'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Toys from the Pre School of Hard Knocks - Stumbling Blocks.

'There goes another one. Galileo, don't you have any idea what makes them do that?'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'How did he make the world in six days?'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

The Meaning of Life

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"Is it always so cloudy?"

"I guess when you run out of Tooth Fairy teeth, you gotta go get a job!"