Quippy Critic Gifts

'My dentist recommended it.'

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

Expressions of mystery.

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

Mom's Mortuary

"It's all good – but some of it is better."

The refinancing didn't come through -- I say we just walk away from the project.

Death Watch

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

'I like it.'

So what's your back story? What do you do? Marketing. Downtown. House of Java.net Cybercafe. I'm an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. Heard of it? A baby goes to a restaurants and cafes and tried their food. If he likes it, the eatery gets a glowing online review. If not, curtains! I'm an investor. I'm on the ground floor! Did you only ask about me so you could then talk about yourself? I hear you. You're asking about me. Don't know what's worse: Men, high-tech investors, or the combinat

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

The Phenomenon of Absolute Power, Expressed as a Geometric Curve.

"Larry, did you water the plant?"

"You forgot his tail."

"Yes, your work does speak to me and it's telling me you can't paint."

"Our house wine is abominable."

"Does this say 'Our Saviour', to you?"

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

'I know you want to draw attentin to your blog, but having a wardrobe malfunction won't help.'

'The dollar and I seem to be weakening at the same rate!'

'I want some lessons in back seat driving.'

"My boss combines the impulsive joie de vivre of Ebenezer Scrooge with the empathy and comradeship of a tarantula. Less hair, though."

My opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the station, its advertisers and especially the teleprompter technician, who thinks I'm a total freakin' mor

'They're called 'ladies in waiting,' not 'those broads downstairs'!'

'If a rooster can crow why can't a crow rooster?'