Quippy Critic Pillows

'My dentist recommended it.'

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

Expressions of mystery.

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Mom's Mortuary

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

'I like it.'

Death Watch

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

"It's all good – but some of it is better."

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

"Larry, did you water the plant?"

"You forgot his tail."

"Yes, your work does speak to me and it's telling me you can't paint."

"Does this say 'Our Saviour', to you?"

"Our house wine is abominable."

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

'I want some lessons in back seat driving.'

"My boss combines the impulsive joie de vivre of Ebenezer Scrooge with the empathy and comradeship of a tarantula. Less hair, though."

'The dollar and I seem to be weakening at the same rate!'

'I know you want to draw attentin to your blog, but having a wardrobe malfunction won't help.'

'They're called 'ladies in waiting,' not 'those broads downstairs'!'

No shoes, No shirt, No Service.

If symptoms persist sue your doctor.