Witty Critic Pillows

"That's the fourth husband she's put in the ground without any concern for what it's doing to the environment."

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

Mom's Mortuary

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'My dentist recommended it.'

"I love this time of year."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Oh, and one more thing

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

Is this your father, little guy? No, lady, my father is a libel attorney, and you'll be hearing from him.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

People want as much government as they deserve.

'Your hair is messy,stand up straight. You look unkempt.'

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

Looking Daggers

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."