Witty Commentators Pillows

In court: 'So help me, which God?'

'Of course I'm against praying in school -- I don't want playing hooky to put my soul in danger!'

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

Mom's Mortuary

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

"Thanks for my pocket money Dad. But you forgot to add 17.5% VAT."

People want as much government as they deserve.

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

Our staff are very pleased, she's one of the brightest in her class. (What do you expect? I'm a genius!) I don't know where she gets it from...

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

GPs press for sick note reform

'Without a pay raise, it's impossible to attract good people to government -- why, just look at me!'

"Thanks, but no thanks -- Valentines just lead to the hard stuff."

'I think I've solved my drinking problem.'

'Never mind dear, at least you cut him with your razor sharp wit.'

'I'm just reaching my sexual innuendo peak.'

Superiority of Cats.

"All this fuss about same sex marriage, I've been having the same sex with my husband for the last 27 years."

How come you never know a famous artist until he's dead?

"I've got what it takes to take what you've got."

'When a man and a woman marry they promise to love each other all their lives. Or until the warranty expires.'

'Showed me up you did, the only one politely applauding and wearing a tie!'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

'I'm sure there's a place for humor in this world, but I've never discovered where that is.'