The Witty Commentator Pillows

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

Wifi in Hell

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"Can you hear me now?"

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

Chicken standing on a platform on a stage with three horns in front of it and wearing a top hat; a sign on the side of the platform reads "National Endowment for the Arts - Seal of Approval."

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

In baseball we can't practice social distancing when everybody is told to stay at home.

Art Gallery.

People want as much government as they deserve.

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

China deploys troops to prepare for an American invasion of North Korea. Russia warns that if America attacks Syria again, Russia will respond with force. Y'know, last time we had a world war, we weren't the ones everyone was defending themselves against. Sometimes when you're playing tag, it's more fun to be "it." We should have out own political show.

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

"That outfit is a nasty mix of stripes and patterns."

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

'This is what we call a 'patient'...you MAY find some reference to one of them on page 435 of your manual.'

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

"While a cure for curiosity remains elusive, it continues to take a deadly toll."

"No, the guy who had this job before me didn't retire - he escaped."

Our staff are very pleased, she's one of the brightest in her class. (What do you expect? I'm a genius!) I don't know where she gets it from...

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

"I usually vote for whoever promises to cut the most tax."

'I always vote for the candidate I think will do the least damage.'

'No.32...congratulations: your pay is frozen. No.38...well done: you're on short term working. No.14...'

'Never mind dear, at least you cut him with your razor sharp wit.'

Stopping Coronavirus

"Thanks, but no thanks -- Valentines just lead to the hard stuff."

'Let's face it, if there was any talent about, we wouldn't be watching this rubbish!'

Snatching Failure from the Jaws of Success