The Witty Commentator T-Shirts

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"Can you hear me now?"

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

Chicken standing on a platform on a stage with three horns in front of it and wearing a top hat; a sign on the side of the platform reads "National Endowment for the Arts - Seal of Approval."

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

Art Gallery.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

People want as much government as they deserve.

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

'This is what we call a 'patient'...you MAY find some reference to one of them on page 435 of your manual.'

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

Our staff are very pleased, she's one of the brightest in her class. (What do you expect? I'm a genius!) I don't know where she gets it from...

"No, the guy who had this job before me didn't retire - he escaped."

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

"I usually vote for whoever promises to cut the most tax."

'I always vote for the candidate I think will do the least damage.'

Snatching Failure from the Jaws of Success

'No.32...congratulations: your pay is frozen. No.38...well done: you're on short term working. No.14...'

"Thanks, but no thanks -- Valentines just lead to the hard stuff."

Stopping Coronavirus

'Never mind dear, at least you cut him with your razor sharp wit.'

'I think I've solved my drinking problem.'