Witty Commentators Gifts

Golf Shop. Sale. I need a ball that comes with distance, accuracy, and a tiny little life jacket.

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

In court: 'So help me, which God?'

'Of course I'm against praying in school -- I don't want playing hooky to put my soul in danger!'

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

That's nothing. You should see what he writes in the comments section.

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

Mom's Mortuary

In baseball we can't practice social distancing when everybody is told to stay at home.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

"Thanks for my pocket money Dad. But you forgot to add 17.5% VAT."

People want as much government as they deserve.

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

Our staff are very pleased, she's one of the brightest in her class. (What do you expect? I'm a genius!) I don't know where she gets it from...

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

"Thanks, but no thanks -- Valentines just lead to the hard stuff."

GPs press for sick note reform

'I think I've solved my drinking problem.'

'Never mind dear, at least you cut him with your razor sharp wit.'

'Without a pay raise, it's impossible to attract good people to government -- why, just look at me!'

'I'm just reaching my sexual innuendo peak.'

Superiority of Cats.

How come you never know a famous artist until he's dead?

"All this fuss about same sex marriage, I've been having the same sex with my husband for the last 27 years."