Witty Critics Gifts

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'My dentist recommended it.'

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

You're Out Of Order

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

Mom's Mortuary

Do you believe in money at first sight?

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

"You can come in. But don't try anything funny."

'Was it good for you?' 'I haven't finished yet!'

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

So what's your back story? What do you do? Marketing. Downtown. House of Java.net Cybercafe. I'm an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. Heard of it? A baby goes to a restaurants and cafes and tried their food. If he likes it, the eatery gets a glowing online review. If not, curtains! I'm an investor. I'm on the ground floor! Did you only ask about me so you could then talk about yourself? I hear you. You're asking about me. Don't know what's worse: Men, high-tech investors, or the combinat

Is this your father, little guy? No, lady, my father is a libel attorney, and you'll be hearing from him.

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

People want as much government as they deserve.

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

Pearls Before Swine is not a terribly savvy name

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'