Witty Thinkers Gifts

"If he's so smart, why does he have to sell his sperm?"

"He's a chess champion. . . but he has a checkered past."

"It's like skydiving."

"It now appears as if I'll go through my entire life without ever sending a limo for anyone or having one sent for me."

After 40 we send 'Thank you' notes to people for forgetting our birthday.

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Bed Spread"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"I don't think of it as copying from Danny's paper ... I think of it as utilizing the Freedom of Information Act."

Sharp Eyes

'He never listened to his mother!'

You trip on it, you buy it.

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

Bell Hop

You're Out Of Order

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

Bagel problems.

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

Male On Sunday

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

"So you're saying if I wasn't so smart, I'd have more friends?"