Witty Genius Gifts

"Anything yet?"

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

William Shakespeare sitting at a desk

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

The Proust of Twitter

"Bed Spread"

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"The robots have become self-aware and self-loathing. Now all they do is write novels."

"Welcome to Sugar Free Farm! The reality show, where celebs go cold turkey on their sugar addictions for two weeks."

'What have you got for the man who knows everything?'

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"Your editor called again to see if the well was still dry."

Sign in doctors office - Malpractice Makes Perfect.

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"He belongs to a lawyer."

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

It was then that Cervantes was inspired.

YOU HAVE A VERY LARGE GENIUS GRANT LINE.

Prisoner still life painting.

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

"No, I don't think I have a book in me. I think I have a chicken in me."

'He never listened to his mother!'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"The museum of modern art on fire... an installation."

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

"It's such a nice day. Why don't you go outside and plagiarize something?"

You trip on it, you buy it.

Sharp Eyes

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."