Witty Wonder Gifts

Wise Cracker

'Yeah... and I'm the tooth-fairy!'

Death Watch

"I thought you meant a football pool."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

'He wants some hair restorer for his birthday.'

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

Knights of the iPhone

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

Looking Daggers

"Don't drink that, it's hand santizer."

Picasso's brew period.

Under Canvas

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

"It's nice to know I've still got it."

'Dear Oscar, such a dry sense of humour.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"I could never go wireless."

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

One Way/Two Ways.

Mechanics price list.

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.