Witty Thinker Gifts

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

'I've changed my mind.' - 'Well, I hope the new one works a bit better.'

When the meek inherit the earth, how will they pay the national deficit?

'Dang! Now it get's complicated!'

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

"I think I'll shop around a little, first."

"I happen."

Top Dog

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

'It's all in how you look at it -- try thinking of yourself as the world's tallest short guy.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

Never judge a nose job at face value.

Revenge is sweet- but not on the receiving end.

To some people, having a head cold is the same as having an idea.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Ear Drums"

I heard you have a really bad toothache. Meh. Not anymore. "Meh"? I got bored of that, so I just moved on. Amazing. "Mindless over matter." Bored of this phone.

By the way, this route no longer features A Streetcar Named Desire. They replaced it with a Jitney Named Ennui. New Jersey Transit.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Bed Spread"

Medieval Vacation: 'What? I am relaxed. I'm relaxing!'

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

Sharp Eyes

'He never listened to his mother!'

You trip on it, you buy it.