Witty Scholar Gifts

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

'I'm majoring in 'Business' with a minor in 'None Of Your Business.''

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Bed Spread"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'You raised the price of air to 50c!' 'Inflation.'

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

Sharp Eyes

'He never listened to his mother!'

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

You trip on it, you buy it.

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Oh, and one more thing

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Bagel problems.

'Doctor, one placebo or two with your tea?'

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

Bell Hop

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

Male On Sunday

'What can we do to reduce our spending?'

'Before we get into the scope, the breadth, the gravity and the cost of this mess...pour yourself a drink...'

"We should have taken a eweber."

Change Of Heart

'I thought I could dance...'

Beware of a first kiss that speaks volumes.

"I beg to differ, Miss. My answer is correct. It's your question that's wrong."