Witty Scholar Pillows

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

'I'm majoring in 'Business' with a minor in 'None Of Your Business.''

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

"Bed Spread"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'You raised the price of air to 50c!' 'Inflation.'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"He belongs to a lawyer."

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

'Oh, and one more thing

You trip on it, you buy it.

Sharp Eyes

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

'He never listened to his mother!'

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

'Doctor, one placebo or two with your tea?'

Bagel problems.

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

Male On Sunday

Bell Hop

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

'What can we do to reduce our spending?'

So I said, If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving you too much. Apparently, that's not what you're supposed to say to a traffic court judge.

Cross Umbrella

Change Of Heart

Cottage Cheese

"I beg to differ, Miss. My answer is correct. It's your question that's wrong."

'Before we get into the scope, the breadth, the gravity and the cost of this mess...pour yourself a drink...'