Academic Wit Pillows

Birth of the Perpetual Fundraising Industry.

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

"I figure I have about 20 years of school to go."

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

'Physical or Social Science?'

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

Digital TV presents "It's true there really is a channel for everyone"

"Eureka! The key of H!"

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

Man behind stage to lady about professor with person under podium: 'That's Professor Allen's understudy.'