Academic Humor Pillows

'I call it 'Research Paper Lite.' It contains a third fewer facts, but you'd never know it.'

"This formula was a total flop, but on the bright side, it will make a great password!"

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

"I don't do well on standardized testing. I blame it on standardized tests."

'Ann, you're the best graduate student I have, so I'm going to blame some faulty research on you.'

'An Oxford don'

The Perpetual Motion (just a figure of speech) Institute.

Intelligent people laugh too!

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

"He wants to study bacteria to relate to the counter culture."

Schrödinger and his cat

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Physical or Social Science?'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

Next semester I have "The Frito-lay

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.