Witty Philosopher Pillows

Life is Unfair: Insert $1,000 - Get Nothing in Return.

'I lived a prosperous, but frugal life.'

Nasa is looking for earth-like planets. . . There's got to be one out there with poverty and crime!

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

"Of course they're clever. They have to be clever. They haven't got any money."

"Yeah, we thought about having kids, but we didn't want to give up our lifestyle."

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.

Bob woke up feeling worse than ever. He blamed his overnight success bag - which openly mocked him and never held enough underwear.

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

A swelled head may not be so bad - depends on what it's filled with.

How come a lot of virile men are too weak for indoor work?

"Do you realize that they pay our teacher to come to school every day and we do it for free?"

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

At the 2021 Religious Games

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

"Bed Spread"

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

'Oh, and one more thing

"His face may be in the gutter, but his bum's looking up at the stars."

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

'I see you've been chasing parked cars again. Wanna talk about it?'

"I got the grant! I'm researching whether money can buy happiness."

Sunday School. Strange --- Apples were forbidden, but apparently fried foods were okay.

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

Mom's Mortuary

"So anyway, I found a worm on the path the other day and carried it to safety. Then I hear: 'Hey! I was heading the other way!"

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."