Funny Philosopher Pillows

"I'm going to need the promotion code."

'No dear, I do not think it's time we homo sapiens apologised to the Neanderthals.'

'Stan here is a true believer in Spencer's evolutionary theory of 'survival of the fattest'...!'

"If you're so sober, why ain't you rich?"

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Pigeon Little

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

Zenemies.

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Optimist

Reverse psychology

Medieval Vacation: 'What? I am relaxed. I'm relaxing!'

"Apparently, when the tide came in, a lot of castles went bust."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

Annual Swim Hundreds of Miles, Spawn and Die Marathon.

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'Let the record show that I suggested primordial souffl'ee.'

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'There goes another one. Galileo, don't you have any idea what makes them do that?'

Toys from the Pre School of Hard Knocks - Stumbling Blocks.

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'How did he make the world in six days?'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

"What if it's smarter than us?"

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."