Humor Philosopher Pillows

"Behold the secret to happiness."

Audience given prompt to laugh: 'I don't think it's funny either - Now laugh!'

"What if it's smarter than us?"

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

Such an Awful Agenda...And So Incompetent At Imposing It

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

Zenemies.

Please Help. I lived each day as if it were my last...but it never was...

Human meat.

Once a spin doctor, always a spin doctor...'Ahead of the curve in global market trends.'

Sad Humour

"Sheesh, what a whiny loser!"

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

Optimist

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

This will really mess with their minds someday.

'Do you want your pie-chart with everything?'

"I don't think of it as copying from Danny's paper ... I think of it as utilizing the Freedom of Information Act."

'Let me remind you that any advice you receive is protected by copyright and I retain all rights therein.'

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

Seneca

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

'This gene is necessary for experiencing pleasure when watching 'The Three Stooges'. It occurs only on the 'Y' chromosome.'

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."