Humor Philosopher Pillows

"Behold the secret to happiness."

Audience given prompt to laugh: 'I don't think it's funny either - Now laugh!'

"What if it's smarter than us?"

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

Zenemies.

Please Help. I lived each day as if it were my last...but it never was...

Human meat.

Once a spin doctor, always a spin doctor...'Ahead of the curve in global market trends.'

Sad Humour

"Sheesh, what a whiny loser!"

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Optimist

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

'Do you want your pie-chart with everything?'

"I don't think of it as copying from Danny's paper ... I think of it as utilizing the Freedom of Information Act."

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."

Seneca

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

'Don't be too hard on sinners. If it weren't for sinning, we'd all be out of work!'

"What's it all about?"

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"Mind if I tweak it?"

Department de Philosophie

'There are limits to this seriousness, sir!'

'No dear, I do not think it's time we homo sapiens apologised to the Neanderthals.'

"If they figure out how to clone humans, we're screwed."