Witty Thinker Pillows

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

'I've changed my mind.' - 'Well, I hope the new one works a bit better.'

When the meek inherit the earth, how will they pay the national deficit?

'Dang! Now it get's complicated!'

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

"I think I'll shop around a little, first."

"I happen."

Top Dog

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

'It's all in how you look at it -- try thinking of yourself as the world's tallest short guy.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

Never judge a nose job at face value.

Revenge is sweet- but not on the receiving end.

To some people, having a head cold is the same as having an idea.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Ear Drums"

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Bed Spread"

Medieval Vacation: 'What? I am relaxed. I'm relaxing!'

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

Sharp Eyes

You trip on it, you buy it.

'He never listened to his mother!'

'Oh, and one more thing

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"