Witty Thinker T-Shirts

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

'I've changed my mind.' - 'Well, I hope the new one works a bit better.'

When the meek inherit the earth, how will they pay the national deficit?

'Dang! Now it get's complicated!'

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

"I think I'll shop around a little, first."

"I happen."

Top Dog

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

'It's all in how you look at it -- try thinking of yourself as the world's tallest short guy.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

Never judge a nose job at face value.

Revenge is sweet- but not on the receiving end.

To some people, having a head cold is the same as having an idea.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Ear Drums"

I heard you have a really bad toothache. Meh. Not anymore. "Meh"? I got bored of that, so I just moved on. Amazing. "Mindless over matter." Bored of this phone.

By the way, this route no longer features A Streetcar Named Desire. They replaced it with a Jitney Named Ennui. New Jersey Transit.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Bed Spread"

Medieval Vacation: 'What? I am relaxed. I'm relaxing!'

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

Sharp Eyes

'He never listened to his mother!'

You trip on it, you buy it.