Witty Wordsmith Pillows

"Son, if you can't say something nice, say something clever but devastating."

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

"I wouldn't say your son is a bad child. He's gifted at disruptive behavior."

'If I wanted this done honestly and above reproach, I wouldn't need a lawyer!'

'The Grim Reaper's my brother. I'm death without dignity.'

"Who should I examine first, you or your lawyer?"

I'm going to stop putting things off-starting tomorrow.

'When I die please cremate me and send my ashes to the tax office. Write on the envelope, now you have everything.'

"Finally, a world where everyone wants to serve me."

"Sometimes it works in my favor. I got off jury duty."

First Person

'I have a daughter in handbags and a son in luggage.'

The young Don Rickles

'I'm worried. I gave up smoking without any trouble.'

'It's a thin line between love and contempt of court, your honor.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

The giant's vision was 20/20 what he really needed was a speech therapist.

'I did make a 'To-Do List.' The first thing I put on it was, 'Make A To-Don't List.''

Ho!... Ho!... ho!

So I said, If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving you too much. Apparently, that's not what you're supposed to say to a traffic court judge.

I know I'm considered a genius, Axel, but really, I'm only human. I still put my hat on like any other man: one leg at a time.

Bagel problems.

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Sed Revocare Gradum.

Relax, baby, and pay no attention to that old man behind you. He's only a judge

Law 101. What can you expect from a hostile witness. Testy-mony.

I need guidance. Go ahead, child. My tweets and my status updates are witty and charming, nut in person I'm boring. You seek a way to improve your personality? I seek a way to strap my phone to my mouth so it can display my tweets and status updates. Computer Villa.

"What do you mean? I'm in shape!" "Sure. I guess round is a shape."

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

So Long, Farewell, Thank God, Good Riddance.

"I'll have one long Belch ale, an Old Makesmepee, and two Dumb Flirt Lights on tap."

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

"Just once, I'd like to be called an intelligent dog."

"That makes sense." - "Sophism of the worst sort."

The Comma Sutra