Witty Person Gifts

"Bed Spread"

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Bangers and Mash

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'He never listened to his mother!'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'Oh, and one more thing

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

Sharp Eyes

You trip on it, you buy it.

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

Bell Hop

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Bagel problems.

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

Male On Sunday

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

Change Of Heart

'Before we get into the scope, the breadth, the gravity and the cost of this mess...pour yourself a drink...'

'I thought I could dance...'

"I beg to differ, Miss. My answer is correct. It's your question that's wrong."

'You could use more fiber in your diet; go sow a few wild oat brans.'

Cottage Cheese